i just want to conquer people and their souls

Before I even get into the delicious center of this post, take a moment and check out the pants on the lead singer of Hot Chocolate. Holy infertility! Recently, I have been spending even more of my time being distracted by Jezebel . The reason, readers: March Madness, of course. For those of you scratching your head and saying to yourselves, " Wait, I thought the only sport Ronnie liked was hunting the most elusive prey of all: Man. And maybe Curling", you are still correct. Howevah, this is no lame basketball tournament. No! This is March Madness: Cake vs Pie. This contentious confectionary war is one which has echoed through the ages. The Manimal is staunchly on Team Pie. Normally a man who has no discernible sweet tooth, preferring, instead, to feast on the blood of his vanquished enemies, the Manimal cannot walk past a pie. Any pie. It could be poo pie and he would still morph into this guy: I, on the other hand, am less ardent. Maybe it is because Australia's pie cu...

As you know, readers, I have very specific tastes when it comes to other living things. In terms of the ocean, I pretty much hate everything in it. If Napalm worked underwater I would have destroyed every living thing there already. Don't agree? Let me run through a few of my Neptunian nightmares. First: How we have let these things live is beyond me. If I were in charge, we'd be eating shark fin soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until these jerks were extinct. Prisons, schools and hospitals would be serving shark sloppy joes with a side of shark fries every.single.day until they were gone. Next: The giant squid: a complete asshole. My hatred also extends to the colossal squid (who is, understandably, camera-shy). If you are not terrified of these creatures, there is something wrong with you. Maybe this information will help to change your mind: " Unlike the giant squid, whose arms and tentacles only have suckers lined with small teeth, the Colossal Squid's limbs ar...

For this episode of Travel Tips I have the honor of introducing you, my beloved readers, to a very special corner of the world: Tas-mania! (Don't you think they should write it this way officially? It adds a little je ne sais quoi to proceedings). The "Apple Isle" as they call it, is a small crop of land which is separated from the World's Most Livable City by a deadly strip of water known as the Bass Strait. This violent pelagic mass is so terrifying that even my daredevil step father balked at taking his fabled homemade sea kayak out into its waters. However, nature seems to have a reason for such precautions: if the mainland were to know about all of the amazing attractions Tasmania had to offer, Van Diemen's Land would be overrun by throngs of tourists. Consequently, Tasmania is pretty much left to its own devices (according to my shower curtain which deems it a whole 'nother country): T *An aside: This is not the only choice made by the shower cur...

Have you ever been back to Disneyland after having only experienced it as an awestruck child? It doesn't so much kill your previous dream-like memories as crap all over them and salt your mind so nothing can grow there again. All the rides, being made for 6 year olds and pedophiles, are rendered lame. The lines are long and the sound of kids screeching with joy grates on your soul. So what is left to do? You can either get drunk off international beer at the Epcot Center, or amuse yourself by acting inappropriately! I foolishly thought that me and my brother, Dr. Poobelle, were the only ones who had marred other people's holiday snaps with our immaturity when we pulled obscene gestures at Disney's wack Haunted House. No, other people have gone above and beyond my wildest dreams. Behold: Starting off relatively mild: Getting better... Oh, I see what you did there I'll just let the rest speak for themselves. Kudos to all. For more click here That las...

Although I have meticulously laid out the plans for my funeral and afterlife, I recently came across the cake I want for my next birthday, and for evermore.

Readers, have you ever had times in your life when serendipitous events collude to make you feel as though the world is trying to tell you something? Some people see Jesus in a Cheeto (Cheesus: the Savory Saviour): I, however, have been seeing cats acting all shady-like. Cats acting like dogs. Cats acting like people. Cats acting like hats. It' s beginning to freak me out. Am I like a modern day Joan d'Arc? Put here on Earth to lead a cat army to righteous victory? Or, am I a crazy kook living in her own personal Shutter Island ? I am inclined to think it may be the latter as the situation has been getting worse lately, and also because I don't think cats have the cojones to take on dogs just yet (no offense cats, it just seems like if push came to shove, you wouldn't work as a team. Every one of you I've ever met has been a selfish git, really). It all started a few months ago, when I was in DC for Thanksgiving. One morning our gracious hosts suggested we...

Since beginning this blog, I have spent more time on the interwebs than I did before. People, there is some scary stuff out there. Now, I'm not talking about Coco's ass , or that Killer Whale that ate its trainer, I'm talking about the stuff you don't hear about on the news. There are things out there, that exist for reals and no-one seems to think they are a big deal. Believe you me, if I were Rupert Murdoch, or any other media tycoon, the following things would be front page news. 1. Korean Baby Mice Wine. Now I'm not one of those namby pambys who doesn't eat stuff that's "gross". No sir, I eat just about everything. I won't run through the list, but I have eaten a sparrow so I think that says everything you need to know. The same goes for booze. I don't hate on many types of liquor. Beginning with my first experience drinking a vile mix of gin, whiskey and manischewitz at a friends house circa 1994, to imbibing my step-father...

Sometimes, something comes along which leaves me speechless. I don't know whether this is a rant or a rave. Alls I do know is that my life will never be the same. How apropos that on the eve of the Academy Awards, a video would emerge which represents all of the ideals of modern cinematography. Yes sir, the director and cast of "Dead Wrong Teens Booty Shake On People's Graves All Up in the Cemetary" have really set the bar high.

This is the Lolcat version of me:   It's true. I am a stereotype: I love shoes. I fight it because it is so lame but I am like the primo member of DSW. I don't even have a swipey key-chain thing, I have a special weird card that they sent me which elicits a hush from the usually mouthy clerks. It's bad. On my birthday, they shut down a major urban location just for me. I may not have clothes or pants, but I always have shoes. So, imagine my dismay when yesterday I bought a pair of awesome designer snakeskin (faux- I am a partial vegan, doncha know?) flats which were actually functional, and took them home to discover they were BOTH LEFT SHOES!! WTF? Who do they have working there? Is this going to have to be a reprise of the time my Dad called ABC liquor in Florida after having a less than stellar experience. On account of my Dad's amazing customer loyalty (read: drinking a shit-ton of wine), the CEO of ABC liquors called him back personally and apologized. Let...

Hi readers, We all know about my feelings for winter . But, there were still things I didn't address in my scathing indictment of a season we endure for seemingly no good reason, like pastiness and weight gain. Old Man Winter is a smart fellow.   [And, apparently, the stuff nightmares are made of!] He uses his icy breath to force us indoors, and then his evil powers convince us that we want to stuff our faces with a bacon wrapped burrito log.   Hence, one wakes up in February thinking, "What on earth happened?" I look like this: What to do readers? Oh, I suppose I could eat sensibly and exercise. But why do that when there's a new fad for me to try? My wife alerted me to an article in the New York Times about Mark Bittman. Bittman claims to have lost weight and got rid of his blood sugar, cholesterol and sleep aepnea just by eating vegan before 6pm. At dinner he can eat whatever he likes. Wowser! Well, I started my veganism this week. It is actually pretty...

This item is so awesome that it has spawned a new category of posts. From now on, along with your standard Rants, raves and Travel Tips, I present to you: Wish List! Exhibit A: The Chest Hair Shirt I wonder whether those chains are part of the shirt? No matter, I can just raid the Manimal's vast collection.