i just want to conquer people and their souls

It's MLK day! Thanks to the good doctor for battling for civil rights and all that great stuff. Here's how I felt when I woke up and realized I didn't have work today:

Ah readers, the crunch of rotting leaves and the fact that the homeless man on Grand Army Plaza has brought his protective polystyrene face mask out from the depths of his trolley alerts me to the fact that Fall is fast approaching. I think we are all familiar with my  thoughts on winter  , but Fall is just alright by me. It has so many good qualities - you can wear a cape, eat a pecan pie and carve a terrifying pumpkin. But obviously, the jewel in Fall's crown is Halloween. What a holiday! Growing up as a disgruntled Antipodean we didn't have a day where it was sanctioned, nay  encouraged , to dress up in crazy costumes and solicit candy from one's neighbors. I mean I did it anyway, but still. Halloween was originally invented in the place where all awesome things are invented: The British Isles. In fact, Halloween should probably make it on my list of reasons why Scotland is awesome  . In some parts of Scotland people still go "guising" which I wish we did m...

As you know, readers, I have very specific tastes when it comes to other living things. In terms of the ocean, I pretty much hate everything in it. If Napalm worked underwater I would have destroyed every living thing there already. Don't agree? Let me run through a few of my Neptunian nightmares. First: How we have let these things live is beyond me. If I were in charge, we'd be eating shark fin soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until these jerks were extinct. Prisons, schools and hospitals would be serving shark sloppy joes with a side of shark fries every.single.day until they were gone. Next: The giant squid: a complete asshole. My hatred also extends to the colossal squid (who is, understandably, camera-shy). If you are not terrified of these creatures, there is something wrong with you. Maybe this information will help to change your mind: " Unlike the giant squid, whose arms and tentacles only have suckers lined with small teeth, the Colossal Squid's limbs ar...