i just want to conquer people and their souls

In my last post I waxed amorous about the King of all seasons: Summer. Things I enjoy about summer include (but are not limited to): - fireflies - reveling in becoming mahogany rather than sullenly accepting my usual skin tone - ending my work at the human processing factory for 67 glorious days that leads into... - my annual self-dubbed "Summer of Me" which essentially consists of me pretending I am Dickie Greenleaf from The Talented Mr. Ripley : * Now there's a man who knows how to mahoganize One thing I do not enjoy about summer is stinky pits. Which brings me to the latest in my seemingly neverending list of embarrassing life moments.  Recently, I made a pilgrimage "out west" (like Sal Paradise, or actually more like an unchaperoned Lennie) to Portland, Oregon. While in Rip City, I began to change and morph into a different, gentler Ronnie. Maybe it was the quinoa flakes I was eating for breakfast, or perhaps the hemp milk I was forced to douse the...

Hola readers! Yes it's been a minute. Last time we spoke I was desperately trying to keep a lid on my hate jar, while the world around me succumbed to the cruel icy stylings of Old Man Winter. We all know my  feelings on winter  but yesterday was the first day over 85 degrees and my reptilian heart began to thaw.  * summersummersummersummer! Yesterday was like when you're waiting for a blind date and they're really late. You've ordered a drink but you can't drink it too fast or you'll look like a sad alcoholic and you wish you had a goddamned smartphone to play with. Finally, your blind date appears and is so smoking hot that you immediately forget that you were recently wishing that their progeny would be co njoined twins ( who were also giant ranga douches who can't spell). Yesterday was like that; so glorious that I would have forgiven it even if it had chosen to end with  a Devil's Whirl .  Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I am finally...