i just want to conquer people and their souls

Ladies and gents, I have seen a lot of dogs cavorting around in sneakers recently and, frankly, it really grinds my gears. Last time I checked, dogs were animals. Animals with "paws" that are supposed to be able to get them from place A to place B without the aid of miniature Converse. Call me crazy, but every dog I've seen rocking kicks has looked even sadder than those husbands you see waiting on the "Man Chair" while their wives trawl Ann Taylor. When wearing shoes, their little canine eyes look even more melancholy than the ones in those appalling "Rescue Me From The Pound" commercials. Except for this guy: I don't begrudge him his shit eating grin ( why is that an expression?? I would not be smiling if I was consuming a keester cake) because he seems to be sporting the dog version of the LA Gear "LA Lights" light up sneakers I begged my parents for in 1992. Anyway, I think I am going to start a new trend: to take back foo...

Ohboyohboyohboy!! I don't really think I need to explain why I want this: It leaves my hands free for mayhem! The Wine Lanyard is officially replacing the "Bottle of Wine Glass" on my 2010 Christmas List. Take note, friends! Unless they make a Bottle of Wine Glass Lanyard, that is!

In my line of work, having a business card would be scoffed at; I'd be better served spending my money on a bunch of 'ludes. However, in the future, I would certainly like to have some of these bad boys. Although, I would not have such an aggressively quirky outfit on: If things really were to go my way and I become a boss, I'd definitely force everyone in my employ to get these Lego beauties:

Although I have meticulously laid out the plans for my funeral and afterlife, I recently came across the cake I want for my next birthday, and for evermore.

This item is so awesome that it has spawned a new category of posts. From now on, along with your standard Rants, raves and Travel Tips, I present to you: Wish List! Exhibit A: The Chest Hair Shirt I wonder whether those chains are part of the shirt? No matter, I can just raid the Manimal's vast collection.