i just want to conquer people and their souls

Well readers, here it is: the final installment of my epic Travel Tips: Tasmania Edition . In this final post, I will guide you through the lower portions of this fine state.   If you'd like to catch up, I suggest you read parts one and two first. So, on to the Tips. After the loitering miscreants of The Spirit of Tasmania , the speeding bogans of Davonport and the various other human flotsam and jetsam we had encountered in the north of Tasmania, its capital city, Hobart, seemed as glamorous as Monte Carlo. See what I mean? There were shops, cafes and people wearing pants! I would suggest packing your fancy flip flops... just in case. To add to the general feeling of hateur, my brother and I immediately decided to pronounce Hobart in our own ways, as a sort of homage to this fair city. I decided to capitalize on the fact that everyone was already greeting me with the respect and adoration universally shown to Americans abroad and pronounce it Hoeburrt , really taking c...

As you know, readers, I have very specific tastes when it comes to other living things. In terms of the ocean, I pretty much hate everything in it. If Napalm worked underwater I would have destroyed every living thing there already. Don't agree? Let me run through a few of my Neptunian nightmares. First: How we have let these things live is beyond me. If I were in charge, we'd be eating shark fin soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until these jerks were extinct. Prisons, schools and hospitals would be serving shark sloppy joes with a side of shark fries every.single.day until they were gone. Next: The giant squid: a complete asshole. My hatred also extends to the colossal squid (who is, understandably, camera-shy). If you are not terrified of these creatures, there is something wrong with you. Maybe this information will help to change your mind: " Unlike the giant squid, whose arms and tentacles only have suckers lined with small teeth, the Colossal Squid's limbs ar...

For this episode of Travel Tips I have the honor of introducing you, my beloved readers, to a very special corner of the world: Tas-mania! (Don't you think they should write it this way officially? It adds a little je ne sais quoi to proceedings). The "Apple Isle" as they call it, is a small crop of land which is separated from the World's Most Livable City by a deadly strip of water known as the Bass Strait. This violent pelagic mass is so terrifying that even my daredevil step father balked at taking his fabled homemade sea kayak out into its waters. However, nature seems to have a reason for such precautions: if the mainland were to know about all of the amazing attractions Tasmania had to offer, Van Diemen's Land would be overrun by throngs of tourists. Consequently, Tasmania is pretty much left to its own devices (according to my shower curtain which deems it a whole 'nother country): T *An aside: This is not the only choice made by the shower cur...