i just want to conquer people and their souls

Hola readers! Yes it's been a minute. Last time we spoke I was desperately trying to keep a lid on my hate jar, while the world around me succumbed to the cruel icy stylings of Old Man Winter. We all know my  feelings on winter  but yesterday was the first day over 85 degrees and my reptilian heart began to thaw.  * summersummersummersummer! Yesterday was like when you're waiting for a blind date and they're really late. You've ordered a drink but you can't drink it too fast or you'll look like a sad alcoholic and you wish you had a goddamned smartphone to play with. Finally, your blind date appears and is so smoking hot that you immediately forget that you were recently wishing that their progeny would be co njoined twins ( who were also giant ranga douches who can't spell). Yesterday was like that; so glorious that I would have forgiven it even if it had chosen to end with  a Devil's Whirl .  Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I am finally...

I hate winter. Fucking hate it. I hate people who say winter is their "favorite season". I HATE YOU. GO AWAY - NEVER COME BACK! They're just giant liars. They are deriving pleasure from being contrary, that's all it is. No-one likes winter. I try and go to my happy place when people start their, "Oh isn't it great to feel the changing seasons! I love the "crisp" feeling of a winter's day. I'm going to take my girl/boyfriend to the park to sled and drink hot chocolate" spiels. Screw. You. No-one can possibly enjoy feeling their skin peeling off from their lips and faces for at least 4 months of the year. No-one thinks that having to wear protective long johns and the sartorial equivalent of a sleeping bag every day is awesome. No-one likes the feeling of stepping off the curb and realizing that what you thought was the road is actually an ankle deep ice puddle (also known as urban quicksand). Nature knows what's up; ev...