Skip to main content

Posts

Rant:Bed and Breakfasts

A lot of the time the Manimal and I don't see eye to eye. For example, I like watching Antiques Roadshow and crying when someone finds an ancient Navajo blanket worth beaucoups bucks while the Manimal enjoys shows about zombies that (from what I can tell) are just hours of people screaming and grunting. Anyways, all this is to say that there's really only one thing that we both agree upon wholeheartedly and without reservation: our hatred of Bed and Breakfasts. Things you will never hear us saying: Let's jet up the coast and stay at some quaint B&B this weekend. I so enjoyed talking to that elderly failed actress about her concept rooms while waiting for her to cook me some subpar breakfast food. I love Bed and Breakfasts! Why on earth would you stay in a B&B when there are a plethora of hotels around? Hotels rule! Here are some things you can do in an anonymous hotel room and not in a Bed and Breakfast: Kill a man Smoke crack with a ex-girlfriend turned...
Recent posts

List: More Terrifying Animals

Tonight I was at a dinner party where the conversation turned to "sea mammals" and their value. As usual, my opinion was not on par with the masses (except for my ideological twin and downstairs neighbor, MC Darnell who, incidentally, also is the only other person who hates horses as much as me).  * He believes they are the two animals that humans have an excessively unhealthy relationship with and made this excellent collage to illustrate our point. I outlined my disgust with the Stubenville rape bros of the sea (dolphins), as well as our society's unholy obsession with seals (sure, baby seals have soft eyes but be sure they would hold any one of us captive in an underwater torture chamber if they had their druthers) but I don't think I really made much headway. This conversation reminded me that I had been hoarding the following series of terrifying sea beasts in my blog drafts section for far too long. What is up with Mother Nature? I mean, really?...

Rave: Texts

If you know about my fixation on karaoke , 90210 and Ray Pruit you will understand why this text exchange with my BFF BMoney is the best thing that ever happened. I think I have peaked.

Summer Resolution

It is 2013 and I have reached new depths of lameness. For example, right now I am listening to Ne-yo circa 2008 and eating fistfuls of baklava. Needless to say, I am whale-y and gross. So, like anyone who has sunk to the point where they habitually wear an outfit the Manimal has deemed "failure wear" and who frequently eats Pannettone more than once a day, I have to change things up. I need an inspiration, someone I can look up to who's not John Candy. All good success stories have an older role model guiding and shaping them towards betterment until they force life to just tap out in awe of their brilliance. So, I started thinking: who will be my Summer Resolution icon? Who's life and belief system will I begin to emulate religiously in order to get out of my funk?  At first I was thinking L'il Wayne: * And I can already do a French Inhale too. Score! Pros: He's skinny, and I already partake in the purple drank .  Cons: Face tattoos seem painful. And someo...

Rant: Stop the world, I want to get off.

Today, I saw something that indicated that, Mayan prophecies aside, we as a whole are certainly spiraling towards our own destruction. I saw this: * In case you were wondering, that phallic orange thing in the background is their carrot rocket ship. Yes, that is a children's series dubbed "Paleo Pals". WTF, Life?!? Look, I know I'm not the best at tolerating other people. And I know I suffer from crippling misophonia that makes me visualize tearing off the faces of those audibly chewing gum and then spitting their bloody parts all over the subway car while laughing maniacally. * I am trying to get my insurance to pay for this. I realize that I am judgey and ill tempered but it seems as though this book was created precisely to whip me into a rage finally great enough to make the papers the next day. Paleo Pals? Come. On. For the uninitiated, "Paleo" refers to the idea of eating  as people might have during the  Paleolithic  era—an era that ...

List: Top Christmas Films

Who doesn't like Christmas? Oh, right, quite a few people. I am one of the world's most secular individuals. It is now family lore that when I was on  Double Dare (I know! So awesome!) in 1992 I answered "A band" in response to the question: "What is Genesis?" But I still love the birth of baby Jesus, nonetheless. If you know of another holiday which begins a full two months before the actual date of said holiday and expects, nay  demands , that you drink egg nog (alcoholic heavy cream!), open gifts, and then pass out on the sofa after ingesting a year's worth of carbohydrates then you may protest. Otherwise, maybe you should just get down with the 'nog and zip your pie hole. A friggen  egg nog fountain ! I want to go to there. Things that are awesome about Christmas: - Advent calendars. - The fact that the Manimal, JoSi and I try to go to  Rolf's  and eat an entire suckling pig every year. - Going on a Lohan holiday -...

Travel Tips: Blighty! Part 1

Happy New Year, y'all! What's damp, grey and perpetually drunk? No, not my gran - it's England! The Manimal and I were fortunate enough to celebrate the nuevo ano across the pond and found it to be delightful. We laid waste to this fine land (attached to a finer land ) and, of course, are back with a bevvy of travel tips for all of you Anglophiles. First up: a quick tangent. To get to England I had the pleasure of traveling with what some people bafflingly consider to be the scourge of the skies: Delta "airlines". What I imagined to be a quick hop, skip and jump from NYC to Detroit (?) to Paris ended up being somewhat of a Kafkaesque adventure filled with rage, anarchy, and a Best Western. It all began as I was ensconced in the plane's cabin. Thank goodness I had requested to be seated behind a drunk lady and across from a man clad in triple stripes who had stripped down to bare feet already. "Good for you, sir!" I thought to myself, ...