i just want to conquer people and their souls

Tonight I was at a dinner party where the conversation turned to "sea mammals" and their value. As usual, my opinion was not on par with the masses (except for my ideological twin and downstairs neighbor, MC Darnell who, incidentally, also is the only other person who hates horses as much as me).  * He believes they are the two animals that humans have an excessively unhealthy relationship with and made this excellent collage to illustrate our point. I outlined my disgust with the Stubenville rape bros of the sea (dolphins), as well as our society's unholy obsession with seals (sure, baby seals have soft eyes but be sure they would hold any one of us captive in an underwater torture chamber if they had their druthers) but I don't think I really made much headway. This conversation reminded me that I had been hoarding the following series of terrifying sea beasts in my blog drafts section for far too long. What is up with Mother Nature? I mean, really?...

As I was perusing the news a few moments ago, I came upon the following picture. May I be the first to say a resounding "What.The.Hell??" Apparently, this "giant sinkhole" just opened up in Guatemala City after some floods. It ate a building and an entire intersection. What?!? Were you all aware that this could happen? Because, if so, one of you could have let me know. I might have turned out like the poor family of four from Quebec who died while a giant sink hole swallowed their house as they watched ice hockey on TV. Where does that thing even go? Is there molten-hot magma at the bottom?  Maybe I'm being rash. Perhaps that was just a bad angle.  Uh, no.  What with this, the flaming tornadoes and the standing-up-anteaters , I'm off to pour myself a double strength G&T to drink in my bunker as I wait for Armageddon.

As you know, readers, I have very specific tastes when it comes to other living things. In terms of the ocean, I pretty much hate everything in it. If Napalm worked underwater I would have destroyed every living thing there already. Don't agree? Let me run through a few of my Neptunian nightmares. First: How we have let these things live is beyond me. If I were in charge, we'd be eating shark fin soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until these jerks were extinct. Prisons, schools and hospitals would be serving shark sloppy joes with a side of shark fries every.single.day until they were gone. Next: The giant squid: a complete asshole. My hatred also extends to the colossal squid (who is, understandably, camera-shy). If you are not terrified of these creatures, there is something wrong with you. Maybe this information will help to change your mind: " Unlike the giant squid, whose arms and tentacles only have suckers lined with small teeth, the Colossal Squid's limbs ar...

Since beginning this blog, I have spent more time on the interwebs than I did before. People, there is some scary stuff out there. Now, I'm not talking about Coco's ass , or that Killer Whale that ate its trainer, I'm talking about the stuff you don't hear about on the news. There are things out there, that exist for reals and no-one seems to think they are a big deal. Believe you me, if I were Rupert Murdoch, or any other media tycoon, the following things would be front page news. 1. Korean Baby Mice Wine. Now I'm not one of those namby pambys who doesn't eat stuff that's "gross". No sir, I eat just about everything. I won't run through the list, but I have eaten a sparrow so I think that says everything you need to know. The same goes for booze. I don't hate on many types of liquor. Beginning with my first experience drinking a vile mix of gin, whiskey and manischewitz at a friends house circa 1994, to imbibing my step-father...