i just want to conquer people and their souls

Tonight I was at a dinner party where the conversation turned to "sea mammals" and their value. As usual, my opinion was not on par with the masses (except for my ideological twin and downstairs neighbor, MC Darnell who, incidentally, also is the only other person who hates horses as much as me).  * He believes they are the two animals that humans have an excessively unhealthy relationship with and made this excellent collage to illustrate our point. I outlined my disgust with the Stubenville rape bros of the sea (dolphins), as well as our society's unholy obsession with seals (sure, baby seals have soft eyes but be sure they would hold any one of us captive in an underwater torture chamber if they had their druthers) but I don't think I really made much headway. This conversation reminded me that I had been hoarding the following series of terrifying sea beasts in my blog drafts section for far too long. What is up with Mother Nature? I mean, really?...

If you know about my fixation on karaoke , 90210 and Ray Pruit you will understand why this text exchange with my BFF BMoney is the best thing that ever happened. I think I have peaked.

It is 2013 and I have reached new depths of lameness. For example, right now I am listening to Ne-yo circa 2008 and eating fistfuls of baklava. Needless to say, I am whale-y and gross. So, like anyone who has sunk to the point where they habitually wear an outfit the Manimal has deemed "failure wear" and who frequently eats Pannettone more than once a day, I have to change things up. I need an inspiration, someone I can look up to who's not John Candy. All good success stories have an older role model guiding and shaping them towards betterment until they force life to just tap out in awe of their brilliance. So, I started thinking: who will be my Summer Resolution icon? Who's life and belief system will I begin to emulate religiously in order to get out of my funk?  At first I was thinking L'il Wayne: * And I can already do a French Inhale too. Score! Pros: He's skinny, and I already partake in the purple drank .  Cons: Face tattoos seem painful. And someo...

Today, I saw something that indicated that, Mayan prophecies aside, we as a whole are certainly spiraling towards our own destruction. I saw this: * In case you were wondering, that phallic orange thing in the background is their carrot rocket ship. Yes, that is a children's series dubbed "Paleo Pals". WTF, Life?!? Look, I know I'm not the best at tolerating other people. And I know I suffer from crippling misophonia that makes me visualize tearing off the faces of those audibly chewing gum and then spitting their bloody parts all over the subway car while laughing maniacally. * I am trying to get my insurance to pay for this. I realize that I am judgey and ill tempered but it seems as though this book was created precisely to whip me into a rage finally great enough to make the papers the next day. Paleo Pals? Come. On. For the uninitiated, "Paleo" refers to the idea of eating  as people might have during the  Paleolithic  era—an era that ...