i just want to conquer people and their souls

A lot of the time the Manimal and I don't see eye to eye. For example, I like watching Antiques Roadshow and crying when someone finds an ancient Navajo blanket worth beaucoups bucks while the Manimal enjoys shows about zombies that (from what I can tell) are just hours of people screaming and grunting. Anyways, all this is to say that there's really only one thing that we both agree upon wholeheartedly and without reservation: our hatred of Bed and Breakfasts. Things you will never hear us saying: Let's jet up the coast and stay at some quaint B&B this weekend. I so enjoyed talking to that elderly failed actress about her concept rooms while waiting for her to cook me some subpar breakfast food. I love Bed and Breakfasts! Why on earth would you stay in a B&B when there are a plethora of hotels around? Hotels rule! Here are some things you can do in an anonymous hotel room and not in a Bed and Breakfast: Kill a man Smoke crack with a ex-girlfriend turned...

Today, I saw something that indicated that, Mayan prophecies aside, we as a whole are certainly spiraling towards our own destruction. I saw this: * In case you were wondering, that phallic orange thing in the background is their carrot rocket ship. Yes, that is a children's series dubbed "Paleo Pals". WTF, Life?!? Look, I know I'm not the best at tolerating other people. And I know I suffer from crippling misophonia that makes me visualize tearing off the faces of those audibly chewing gum and then spitting their bloody parts all over the subway car while laughing maniacally. * I am trying to get my insurance to pay for this. I realize that I am judgey and ill tempered but it seems as though this book was created precisely to whip me into a rage finally great enough to make the papers the next day. Paleo Pals? Come. On. For the uninitiated, "Paleo" refers to the idea of eating  as people might have during the  Paleolithic  era—an era that ...

I just got bangs. I think I look like Brenda Walsh: * Yowser! But the Manimal keeps calling me "Crom".  Some googling alerted me to the fact that this may not be some cute nickname but rather an allusion to the fact that I look like an extra from Conan the Barbarian: Well, I am not in the Cult of Doom, is that clear?! If anything I am one step closer to being Dylan McKay's obsession! Take that, Manimal!

In my last post I waxed amorous about the King of all seasons: Summer. Things I enjoy about summer include (but are not limited to): - fireflies - reveling in becoming mahogany rather than sullenly accepting my usual skin tone - ending my work at the human processing factory for 67 glorious days that leads into... - my annual self-dubbed "Summer of Me" which essentially consists of me pretending I am Dickie Greenleaf from The Talented Mr. Ripley : * Now there's a man who knows how to mahoganize One thing I do not enjoy about summer is stinky pits. Which brings me to the latest in my seemingly neverending list of embarrassing life moments.  Recently, I made a pilgrimage "out west" (like Sal Paradise, or actually more like an unchaperoned Lennie) to Portland, Oregon. While in Rip City, I began to change and morph into a different, gentler Ronnie. Maybe it was the quinoa flakes I was eating for breakfast, or perhaps the hemp milk I was forced to douse the...

Somebody totally opened my hate jar at work today :(

Ah readers, the crunch of rotting leaves and the fact that the homeless man on Grand Army Plaza has brought his protective polystyrene face mask out from the depths of his trolley alerts me to the fact that Fall is fast approaching. I think we are all familiar with my  thoughts on winter  , but Fall is just alright by me. It has so many good qualities - you can wear a cape, eat a pecan pie and carve a terrifying pumpkin. But obviously, the jewel in Fall's crown is Halloween. What a holiday! Growing up as a disgruntled Antipodean we didn't have a day where it was sanctioned, nay  encouraged , to dress up in crazy costumes and solicit candy from one's neighbors. I mean I did it anyway, but still. Halloween was originally invented in the place where all awesome things are invented: The British Isles. In fact, Halloween should probably make it on my list of reasons why Scotland is awesome  . In some parts of Scotland people still go "guising" which I wish we did m...

As I was perusing the news a few moments ago, I came upon the following picture. May I be the first to say a resounding "What.The.Hell??" Apparently, this "giant sinkhole" just opened up in Guatemala City after some floods. It ate a building and an entire intersection. What?!? Were you all aware that this could happen? Because, if so, one of you could have let me know. I might have turned out like the poor family of four from Quebec who died while a giant sink hole swallowed their house as they watched ice hockey on TV. Where does that thing even go? Is there molten-hot magma at the bottom?  Maybe I'm being rash. Perhaps that was just a bad angle.  Uh, no.  What with this, the flaming tornadoes and the standing-up-anteaters , I'm off to pour myself a double strength G&T to drink in my bunker as I wait for Armageddon.

Hello readers! How would you describe your commute to work this morning? Were you trapped in your car, being subjected to some early morning traffic? Did the radio not play what you wanted it to? Did someone cut you off? Was your commute mildly unpleasant, the transportation equivalent of a melon-heavy fruit salad? Guess what I did? * Note that I simply chose this morning's subway incident. The subway is like the lottery: some days could hold the elation of escaping into the armpit of a tall businessman, other days one may experience the sweet terror of being trapped in the car with an actual crazy person. The NYC subway commute is life's version of craps, except you always roll "Snake Eyes" and never a Boxcar. If you are a loyal reader reader (ha!) you will be familiar with my morning commute ; it is a science, nay, a religion. Getting out of the door is only half the battle, my friends. Next comes Satan's Playground, otherwise known as the New York City M...