i just want to conquer people and their souls

Who doesn't like Christmas? Oh, right, quite a few people. I am one of the world's most secular individuals. It is now family lore that when I was on  Double Dare (I know! So awesome!) in 1992 I answered "A band" in response to the question: "What is Genesis?" But I still love the birth of baby Jesus, nonetheless. If you know of another holiday which begins a full two months before the actual date of said holiday and expects, nay  demands , that you drink egg nog (alcoholic heavy cream!), open gifts, and then pass out on the sofa after ingesting a year's worth of carbohydrates then you may protest. Otherwise, maybe you should just get down with the 'nog and zip your pie hole. A friggen  egg nog fountain ! I want to go to there. Things that are awesome about Christmas: - Advent calendars. - The fact that the Manimal, JoSi and I try to go to  Rolf's  and eat an entire suckling pig every year. - Going on a Lohan holiday -...

It is a sad day here at ijustwanttoconquerpeopleandtheirsouls. Roberts Blossom gentleman, poet and all around BAMF  died   yesterday. Sadness. Those regular readers will recall my  heartfelt ode  to the Salt Man, and my general hero worship of the man who taught Kevin Mcallister (and us , dammit) about the power of forgiveness and demonstrated,  with a well-wielded snow shovel, the importance of vigilante justice. Rest in peace, good sir. I hope the pavements of heaven are salted with diamonds.

When I first began this blog, I mentioned how under my stoic antipodean exterior lies a ball of sentimental goo waiting to be prodded. While I may not reveal my true emotions very often, there are some things that get me every time, namely in the form of cheesy movie scenes. When I had the inspiration for this post, we were in the midst of the Winter Olympics. Ergo, the instance of "stuff that will make me misty" was at code orange. In fact, it was this very commercial which galvanized me into writing: What?? Are you serious? His daughter... Jane . That. is. too.much. Morgan Freeman, you should hang your head, sir. Using that voice for such shameless tear-jerking. Go World, indeed. Go to Hell World, for using a man's personal tragedy to sell me a Visa card is more like it. More often than not, scenes which make me teary have one of the following elements: a slow clap, the Olympics, an underdog, a family reunion or a parent being proud of their child. Take away from that...

Last night, I lay cuddled in bed in the late stages of an eggnog buzz, idly flipping through the channels waiting for something, anything, to take me away from the plethora of fame-whore reality show contestants and nauseating variants of decoding- the-Bible "documentaries". Suddenly, my glassy eyes locked on a vision of perfection, a scene which transported me back to the halcyon days of a young Montebellucci. It was the church scene of Home Alone in which Old Man Marley, a misunderstood neigbourhood codger discusses the intricacies of love, family, sin and redemption with young Kevin McCallister. One thing that you must know about myself (and any Anglo, really) is that we cannot emote, yet are deeply sensitive. I'm talking ludicrously sensitive and sentimental. This manifests itself in a variety of ways: a propensity for hitting the sauce, crippling politeness, uncontrollable facial tics and a deep river of insecurity which binds us all. Hence, dear reader, I often e...