i just want to conquer people and their souls

I just thought I would alert you, readers, to my absolute new favorite thing. I have a Google Analytics account which lets  me monitor many interesting facts about ijustwanttoconquerpeopleandtheirsouls . I can tell, for example, that I have a reader in the Faroe Islands (awww yeah!), or exactly how many people navigate away hastily after realizing where they are (answer: a lot). But easily the most entertaining report is the one which lets me see what search items have led people here. What are people trying to find when they inadvertently end up at my virtual doorstep?  It is in this data, friends, that my own psychoticness is laid bare in front of me. For example, these are the top search items from this week: 1. "old man marley" cat poster 1.00 00:00:00 100.00% 100.00% 2. 13th century fighter images 1 3.00 00:00:51 100.00% 0.00% 3. businessman subway 1 1.00 00:00:00 100.00% 100.00% 4. conquer people and their souls 1 2.00 00:00:07 100.00% 0.00% 5. find a mis...

Ah Cambodia, or Kampuchea for those of us who were born before the 1990s. The name alone conjures up visions of ancient temples, jungles and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. As part of my recent sojourn to the area (which I have dubbed "South East Asia: Unsubmitted") I was fortunate enough to spend a few days in this fabulous country and, as always, am here to give you a little advice, Montebellucci-style. My  wife  and I arrived full of anticipation at the Siem Reap International Airport after a few idyllic days in  Luang Prabang , Laos (also known as The Best Place In The World). Compared to Luang Prabang's "airport" which consisted of 5 cerulean colored chairs and a woman who checked our luggage manually, Siem Reap seemed like a bastion of modernity. *an aside: although the airport itself was slightly behind the times, its awesome policy of walking across open tarmac does make one feel like Mick Jagger, or a convict being transported by  JPATS . At Siem Reap airport ...

Ladies and gents, I have seen a lot of dogs cavorting around in sneakers recently and, frankly, it really grinds my gears. Last time I checked, dogs were animals. Animals with "paws" that are supposed to be able to get them from place A to place B without the aid of miniature Converse. Call me crazy, but every dog I've seen rocking kicks has looked even sadder than those husbands you see waiting on the "Man Chair" while their wives trawl Ann Taylor. When wearing shoes, their little canine eyes look even more melancholy than the ones in those appalling "Rescue Me From The Pound" commercials. Except for this guy: I don't begrudge him his shit eating grin ( why is that an expression?? I would not be smiling if I was consuming a keester cake) because he seems to be sporting the dog version of the LA Gear "LA Lights" light up sneakers I begged my parents for in 1992. Anyway, I think I am going to start a new trend: to take back foo...

Ah readers, the crunch of rotting leaves and the fact that the homeless man on Grand Army Plaza has brought his protective polystyrene face mask out from the depths of his trolley alerts me to the fact that Fall is fast approaching. I think we are all familiar with my  thoughts on winter  , but Fall is just alright by me. It has so many good qualities - you can wear a cape, eat a pecan pie and carve a terrifying pumpkin. But obviously, the jewel in Fall's crown is Halloween. What a holiday! Growing up as a disgruntled Antipodean we didn't have a day where it was sanctioned, nay  encouraged , to dress up in crazy costumes and solicit candy from one's neighbors. I mean I did it anyway, but still. Halloween was originally invented in the place where all awesome things are invented: The British Isles. In fact, Halloween should probably make it on my list of reasons why Scotland is awesome  . In some parts of Scotland people still go "guising" which I wish we did m...