Sunday, August 11, 2013

List: More Terrifying Animals

Tonight I was at a dinner party where the conversation turned to "sea mammals" and their value. As usual, my opinion was not on par with the masses (except for my ideological twin and downstairs neighbor, MC Darnell who, incidentally, also is the only other person who hates horses as much as me). 


* He believes they are the two animals that humans have an excessively unhealthy relationship with and made this excellent collage to illustrate our point.

I outlined my disgust with the Stubenville rape bros of the sea: dolphins, as well as our society's unholy obsession with seals (sure, baby seals have soft eyes but be sure they would hold any one of us captive in an underwater torture chamber if they had their druthers) but I don't think I really made much headway. This conversation reminded me that I had been hoarding the following series of terrifying sea beasts in my blog drafts section for far too long.

What is up with Mother Nature? I mean, really? She's been messing with us since before we even existed. Much like the creators of Saw and the marketing team behind Carrot Top she's always thinking of new and unusual ways to make us dry heave. 


And why is it that the most terrifying and horrific beasts come from the sea? I've mentioned this before but where there's water it's guaranteed that there will be something that can make you pee your pants in terror.  I've already documented my loathing of some Poseidon's more well known offerings but horrifying things just keep creeping in to my radar.

Exhibit A: Giant Salamander.
Holy Mary Mother of God, what the fuck is that??  It doesn't even have eyes! It must just track us by the stench of our fear. Apparently, they can live for 75 years which is 74 years, 365 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.  Why have we not formed some sort of international task force of Jason Bournes to destroy these? I would pay extra taxes for sure to make this a reality. What is Obama doing? Hell, I already pay Michelle Bachmann's salary. This I would do gladly. 

Oh and before you hippies get on my case and start being all, "Well that's a just one kind of salamander, Ronnie. Other salamanders are really cute" let me remind you that they are kin to this:


Gott in Himmel! That thing is going to destroy us all! There's really only one thing to do:

* Kudos to you anonymous Chinese family for doing what I do not have the cojones for. Homeboy in the yellow and blue parka looks ready to get to work.

Promachoteuthis Sulcus:
I think I have been more than vocal about my hatred of all forms of squid from the Colossal Squid all the way down to this jerk.
* "Hello. My only purpose is to terrify you."

Unnamed terrifying sea creature:
Jesus christ, this is like the reverse of when the Manimal discovered the platypus and was endeared by its ability to not only be an amalgam of various other animals,  but also lend itself to being his ultimate party conversation starter: "What is a mammal?" Which, if you are ever unfortunate enough to be lured into his conversational web, usually devolves into him saying something like, "So you're fairly confident, then, that mammals don't lay eggs? Would you bet your life on it? Hmmm?"

This bitch is like a reverse see-through platypus. It's got bits of all the wrong stuff and they're all put together in the worst possible way.

Soft Shell Turtle.
Normally I find turtles to be kind of cute and non-threatening. I usually also like (eating) things with the words "soft shell" in them. However, this guy is the terrifying combo of both of these terms. What is going on with his face?? He's got like zombie red eye photo eyes and what seems to be one head coming out of a larger head/neck. 
Normally I'm a big fan of well developed traps:

* oh, hai there Tom Hardy

but that is ridiculous. This is enough for me to forgive the Manimal for eating turtle soup at a Chinese restaurant 8 years ago.

Giant Isopod:
This thing makes me want to revise my aim to eat shrimp every day of my life. *shudder*
My record is 62 days in a row.

Finally, I don't know what this is but it embodies the reason I get nervous swimming in the ocean.