It is 2013 and I have reached new depths of lameness. For example, right now I am listening to Ne-yo circa 2008 and eating fistfuls of baklava. Needless to say, I am whale-y and gross. So, like anyone who has sunk to the point where they habitually wear an outfit the Manimal has deemed "failure wear" and who frequently eats Pannettone more than once a day, I have to change things up. I need an inspiration, someone I can look up to who's not John Candy. All good success stories have an older role model guiding and shaping them towards betterment until they force life to just tap out in awe of their brilliance. So, I started thinking: who will be my Summer Resolution icon? Who's life and belief system will I begin to emulate religiously in order to get out of my funk?
At first I was thinking L'il Wayne:
* And I can already do a French Inhale too. Score!
Pros: He's skinny, and I already partake in the purple drank.
Cons: Face tattoos seem painful. And someone already took my first choice
*An aside: L'il Wayne should not be confused with L'il Albert, the namesake of one of my favorite useless experiments back in the glory days when we could experiment on real human babies.
* John B. Watson "ran out of time" at the end and so L'il Albert was never "desensitized". Oops!
Then I thought about someone who is also skinny, but whose essence I admire and would not be a stretch to adhere to.
Pros: He eats good food, he has a net worth of $50 million for (essentially) cursing, he acts like me in private, but in public! I could be more free!
Cons: Do you see those face crevices? No me gusta. Also, sometimes yelling that hard makes me get that little glob of blood in my eyeball and that's not really so attractive in a lady.
I was starting to get discouraged again when it suddenly dawned on me: I couldn't use anyone I actually resembled because then I'd soon be back to square one. For example, I already yell out gangsta rap and drink prescription grade cough syrup mixed with Sprite. How would following L'il Wayne really elicit any meaningful change? Sure, maybe I could do some jail time but I already have a game plan worked out for that and I don't want to use it up prematurely on a Summer Resolution.
Then it dawned on me. Who only eats food purer than the driven snow? Who would rather make out with Stevie Janowski than drink booze, let alone downing several To Go cups full of red wine on a Tuesday night? Who is really skinny and already publishes a regular missive devoted to advising people on how to live like her? That's right: Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth Kate Paltrow Martin is the daughter of well-to-do parents, and an actress who won an Best Actress Oscar in 1998 for her forgettable role in Shakespeare in Love.
Question: Which of the following films came out in 1998 and would have deserved an Oscar more than our Gwynnie?
1) An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island
2) Apt Pupil (a mix of Nazis and Rear Window that I recall Manimal hilariously thought was called Apartment Pupil at the time)
3) The Big Lebowski (!)
4) You've Got Mail
Answer: All of them.
Of late, she has garnered more attention for her charmingly named lifestyle blog: GOOP. People really seem to respond badly to this blog and GP's earnest recs for living the good life. Unlike my girl and convicted felon Martha Stewart who, I think we can all agree, is a staunch bitch and knows her way around a 4 piece, Gwyneth seems a bit feckless.
But, I must push all of that out of my mind and get to the task at hand. For all her failings, Gwyneth does embody the exact opposite of myself, and that is what I must follow. She did date Brad Pitt in his prime and talk him into copying her hairstyle after all.
Even if she does claim to be " f she tells me to eat chia seed pudding, dammit I will eat chia seed pudding. Maybe I'll even throw a little unsweetened almond milk in there for good measure.
And so, to jump head first into this challenge and prepare for September 1st when I emerge from a cheetos crusted cocoon and begin my metamorphosis into a lithe and bendy butterfly, I am going to ruminate on some of Ms.Paltrow's random thoughts:
"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."
Aw shit, this lady is crazy. Crack+cheese in a can= a party.
"When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
"I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult..."
"I've found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment at spas all over the world."
Interesting. My hangover cure usually goes as follows:
Repeat as necessary until you no longer feel like this:
I've heard it helps to write your goals and resolutions down. So with my new icon's help, I will plan my first baby step.
1. Plan out my meals and buy stuff from the supermarket beforehand.
You don't want to get caught out and then end up eating Pad Thai out of a styrofoam container. As Gwynnie so sagely notes:
She's right, that is total nightmare fuel.
I'll check back with you periodically to make new baby steps and keep you updated on my progress towards becoming a lithe blonde WASP goddess. Hopefully, I'll go from this:
In no time!