Saturday, January 5, 2013

Rant: Stop the world, I want to get off.

Today, I saw something that indicated that, Mayans aside, we as a whole are certainly spiraling towards our own destruction. I saw this:

* In case you were wondering, that phallic orange thing in the background is their carrot rocket ship.

Yes, that is a children's series dubbed "Paleo Pals". WTF, Life?!?

Look, I know I'm not the best at tolerating other people. And I know I suffer from crippling misophonia that makes me visualize tearing off the faces of those audibly chewing gum and then spitting their bloody parts all over the subway car while laughing maniacally.
* I am trying to get my insurance to pay for this.

I realize that I am judgey and ill tempered but it seems as though this book was created precisely to whip me into a rage finally great enough to make the papers the next day.

Paleo Pals? Come. On. For the uninitiated, "Paleo" refers to the idea of eating as people might have during the Paleolithic era—an era that ended around 10,000 years ago with the development of agriculture. Basically, you can only eat things that a caveman may have had access to. Every fricken person I know is fricken Paleo. Manimal is Paleo except for Shake Shack, my parents are Paleo, many of my lamer friends are Paleo. And, like any other fad, I have to hear about it all the time. Hell, I am almost Paleo but that's because wheat makes me toot like a French Horn and I work in a open cube farm so I would risk severe judgement and ostracizing. 

But, it's not just having to endure endless discussions of poundage lost and energy levels, what really grinds my gears is that most people just eat fake Paleo versions of regular stuff. Cavemen did not whip up "Paleo brownies" for example. And I would wager that Paleolithic men (and more modern Paleo-esque societies) were way too badass to fuck with almond milk of any variety.



Also, how do we know that cavemen did not have access to stuff that would be non-Paleo now? Just as the Dark Ages removed all trace of progress, perhaps there was an unknown event that erased all evidence of cavemen having weird campfire s'mores and fried bugs or whatnot. But really, the worst thing about Paleo Pals is that people are forcing their kids to be Paleo. That's not OK! I'm not saying kids should get to eat a tub of frosting using jellybeans as their cutlery, and I don't think there's ever a true reason to eat Lunchables, but let's be reasonable.

Anyway, the plot of Paleo Pals: Jimmy and the Carrot Rocket Ship goes something like this:

Piper, Phoenix and Parker are not ordinary children; they are super heroes that travel the land helping other children learn about living the healthiest, most exciting, most super lives possible. They are known as The Paleo Pals, and this is a story about how they help out Jimmy, a little boy who is not sure if eating paleo food is even one tiny bit exciting or super. Climb into the carrot rocket ship, travel to brilliant green farms, and live Jimmy’s exciting adventure with Piper, Phoenix and Parker: The Paleo Pals!

Of course they're named Piper, Phoenix and Parker. Their androgynous names allow them not to offend anyone down at the co-op. You know what, after reading this, I had to feel sorry for Jimmy who was simply pushing back on the whole family turning Paleo. At one point, faced with his dinner, Jimmy is less than enthused and yells, "I don't CARE about your oopity-goopity food! And I don't care about being healthy. I guess I'm just gonna starve! I'm going to bed!" At this point I was really pulling for Jimmy. Stand your ground, B. He reminded me of young me, except that he didn't run to his room and take angry hits from a homemade bong (relax folks, I didn't inhale) and then spend hours making retarded mix tapes by taping songs off the radio.

Anyway, when the Paleo Pals learn about Jimmy, they whisk him off in the Weiner Carrot ship and bring him to a farmer's marker (i know) where he selects a "giant purple cabbage"to eat.


* A bunch of kale and some $11 pickles, please.

Another stop: the evil, vaguely Victorian, food processing plant which spews toxic black fumes into the air and is surrounded by dead and dying earth. The Paleo Pals also take Jimmy to a playground where as one Amazon reviewer sagely notes, "kids who don't eat "paleo" are depicted as lethargic, sick, sad, unable to do well at anything, and are even aggressive and angry while those who do eat "paleo" are kind, energetic, successful, and happy as if eating paleo is the only factor that makes a child nice or not; successful or not."

What sort of stupid busy-parent shaming kind of statement is this? I mean, I ate Elios and Sara Lee chocolate pound cake almost every day and I turned out fine. In fact, right now I'm off to beat a man's head in with a rock because he was sucking a hard candy in an irritating manner. So, who needs you anyway, Paleo Pals?