Saturday, October 16, 2010

Rant: Slut-O-Ween

Ah readers, the crunch of rotting leaves and the fact that the homeless man on Grand Army Plaza has brought his protective polystyrene face mask out from the depths of his trolley alerts me to the fact that Fall is fast approaching.

I think we are all familiar with my thoughts on winter , but Fall is just alright by me. It has so many good qualities - you can wear a cape, eat a pecan pie and carve a terrifying pumpkin.


But obviously, the jewel in Fall's crown is Halloween. What a holiday! Growing up as a disgruntled Antipodean we didn't have a day where it was sanctioned, nay encouraged, to dress up in crazy costumes and solicit candy from one's neighbors. I mean I did it anyway, but still.

Halloween was originally invented in the place where all awesome things are invented: The British Isles. In fact, Halloween should probably make it on my list of reasons why Scotland is awesome . In some parts of Scotland people still go "guising" which I wish we did more of.

However, there is one aspect of Halloween that I still haven't wrapped my head around. If presented with an opportunity to create a sartorial representation of anything I want for one day of the year I inevitably choose something awesome that I may get arrested (or at least clear my own subway car)  for being on any other day. Maybe it's because I'm from Brooklyn, but I like real, all day, every day, we don't play costumes. Last year I was a lobster, the year before an alien geisha and this year I think it's gonna be Abraham Lincoln. Homemade costumes are the way to go:


* A Tiny Mexican Wrestler!

With all of these cool costumes available, the thing which strikes a visitor to the U!S!A! at Halloween is the proclivity for young ladies to instead dress up as whores. Wait, they don't dress as actual prostitutes


which would be somewhat original (and frightening - lay off the meth Joni!), but rather as a skanky simulacrum of classic Halloween garb.

"Slut-o-ween" is a well known and documented phenomenon which I am not the first to discuss. The Manimal and I even have a traditional Halloween game that we play. It involves each of us picking a "slutty _________" and then counting how many we see during the night. Last year I picked "slutty Dorothy" (she of Wizard of Oz fame) but Manimal wiped the floor with me when he chose "slutty bee". I did have my fingers crossed to see a slutty amoeba or promiscuous pancreas, but to no avail.

This year, however,  it seems as though the purveyors of skanky costumes have run out of steam. After looking at this bumper crop of sexy (insert random profession here) offerings I can't see where we go from here. Behold, I have sorted them in to categories for your convenience!

Cultural Sexy:

Maybe you're a thespian; we all know that humans are drawn to the glitz and glamour of the golden screen or the poeticism of literature. Show all of your girlz that you're a cultured soul by paying homage to some of our greatest literary figures.

Sexy Fantome de l'Opera: 
Yeah I guess a guy who has pizza face and repeatedly holds both you and your boyfriend hostage in a torture chamber, then forces you to agree to marry him to avoid spectacular carnage is pretty hot.


Sexy Willy Wonka:
Possibly my fave of the slutoween options. Let me say this, people - Willy don't need no sexifyin'! He'll take you to a world of pure imagination just the way he is.


Sexy Historical:

Sexy George Washington:
Dressing like a historical figure is always a good option. And who is sexier than George Washington?! Holla! I find G-dubs about a million times sexier ever since I found out his famed wooden teeth were actually made of "gold, hippopotamus ivory, lead, and human and animal teeth (including horse and donkey teeth)". Dayummmm.


Sexy Native American:
Or how about representing the original inhabitants of this fine country?



Holy crap!
Big Chief Little Cloth - I can see your vagina!

Sexy Current Events:
Some people like to use Halloween as an opportunity to make a political statement and I applaud their earnestness. For example:


Sexy Border Patrol Babe! She's cracking down on illegal immigrants and lookin' right while protecting our jobs.

Miscellaneous sexy:
And finally, some of my favorites which could not be categorized:

Sexy Remote Control:
I guess this is every man's dream. Her friends should dress up as Sexy Coors Light Tall Boy and Sexy Nachos.


Sexy Scrabble:
When I think of sexy I think of board games. Nothing hotter than when my elderly Grandma used to drink tea and play Scrabble with June from next door:




Sexy Mrs. Potato Head:

I'm not gonna lie - this is pretty hot.


Happy Halloween, all!


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2 comments:

  1. It's like you're reading my mind...Who IS sexier than George Washington? Nobody knows the answer to that question....

    ReplyDelete
  2. True it is one of life's biggest unanswered questions, like why are they called stairs inside and steps outside?

    Ben Franklin is also pretty hot....

    ReplyDelete