Sunday, May 16, 2010

Rant: Dirty Trees

Ah, trees. Who doesn't love them? They create nice air for us to breathe, they let us climb them and construct nests, forts and other miscellany in their comforting branches. Symbols of strength and wisdom, they nurture us in so may ways.

This makes it very hard to say what I am about to say. Readers, not all trees are wooden representations of mother earth's beauty. No, some are dirty, wanton even scandalous. These trees ruin any forest unfortunate enough to count their vulgar trunks and skanky branches as members.

I first became aware of these harlot trees after the Manimal, his brother T-More and their friend JoSi decided to hike in Yellowstone National Park. Upon their return I decided to peruse Manimal's holiday snaps to see what the young scalliwags had gotten up to. Imagine my horror when I came across these:





I know. Shocking, right? At least the Manimal wasn't party to this; he was just taking the photos. No stank-ass tree bitch gonna steal my man! No way. Not now, not ever.

But this got me thinking. How many other trees are out their flaunting their stuff? Just standing around reveling in their immodesty, letting tourists stick their fingers wherever they please. As it turns out, there are many, many more.

Look at this hussy; peddling her wares to the first passerby. Just because one has an ample bosom, madam, that does not condone such tawdry displays of bark.



Well I never! This is the kind of photograph which makes me question the direction this world is going in. A real lady you are, Silver Birch. Didn't your mother ever teach you "legs together for Jesus?" Letting that tourist openly lollygag at your ladyparts? For shame.




Heavens to Betsy! Now I'm not one to judge anybody for their sexual preferences. No siree. Whatever floats your boat, I say. What I am wont to judge, however, is when people feel compelled to invite us all to be active participants in their private affairs.



Aren't there laws against this kind of public indecency?? I, for one, will be writing my local Councilman and venting my ire against these woodland wretches.

Get a room.

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