Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Rave: Vegan Till 6

Hi readers,

We all know about my feelings for winter. But, there were still things I didn't address in my scathing indictment of a season we endure for seemingly no good reason, like pastiness and weight gain.

Old Man Winter is a smart fellow.
[And, apparently, the stuff nightmares are made of!]

He uses his icy breath to force us indoors, and then his evil powers convince us that we want to stuff our faces with a bacon wrapped burrito log.


Hence, one wakes up in February thinking, "What on earth happened?" I look like this:

What to do readers? Oh, I suppose I could eat sensibly and exercise. But why do that when there's a new fad for me to try?

My wife alerted me to an article in the New York Times about Mark Bittman. Bittman claims to have lost weight and got rid of his blood sugar, cholesterol and sleep aepnea just by eating vegan before 6pm. At dinner he can eat whatever he likes. Wowser!
Well, I started my veganism this week. It is actually pretty good. I just eat copious amounts of fruit and soup until 6pm hits and I turn into Bargearse: "You don't need a pen and paper to take down my order: a shitload of dim sims and a bucket of soy sauce."

My only quandary is this readers: if I do not believe in the tenets of veganism, do I still get to indulge in the moral superiority that comes with not eating widdle aminals? Am I allowed to pretend that seitan is better than bacon now? Can I claim that I smell better than others (despite the fact that my bean intake has quintupled)? I hope so. At least before 6, anyway.

* An aside: What do Vegans feed their pets? Do vegans even have pets? No, really.

So, there you have it readers, my newest game plan. I'll let you know how it goes. Hopefully I will not end up breaking down and devouring a racehorse.

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