Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rave: Cake vs. Pie (Everyone's a Winner)

Before I even get into the delicious center of this post, take a moment and check out the pants on the lead singer of Hot Chocolate. Holy infertility!

Recently, I have been spending even more of my time being distracted by Jezebel. The reason, readers: March Madness, of course. For those of you scratching your head and saying to yourselves, "Wait, I thought the only sport Ronnie liked was hunting the most elusive prey of all: Man. And maybe Curling", you are still correct.

Howevah, this is no lame basketball tournament. No! This is March Madness: Cake vs Pie.
This contentious confectionary war is one which has echoed through the ages. The Manimal is staunchly on Team Pie. Normally a man who has no discernible sweet tooth, preferring, instead, to feast on the blood of his vanquished enemies, the Manimal cannot walk past a pie. Any pie. It could be poo pie and he would still morph into this guy:

I, on the other hand, am less ardent. Maybe it is because Australia's pie culture is centered around the meat variety, or maybe because I would eat a guinea pig as long as it was candied. There are so many great cakes of the world, but then again what can beat the deliciousness of something encased in a pastry shell? On second thought, Marie Antoinette didn't say "Let them eat pie" now, did she?

This delicious rumble in the tummy has got me biting my nails to the quick and yelling in a most unsettling manner at my computer. As you can see there are many bones of contention from the get-go. In the cake conference, it appears the creators have lost their ever loving minds. "Birthday" and "Wedding" are not flavors, people! They are occasions. This gives the Cake Conference some serious advantage. Pie should get "Thanksgiving" and "Christmas" if this is the twisted field we are playing on.

Barring the obvious celebratory bias of Team Cake, I feel the creators have made some crazy, lunatic insane decisions. For example, Funfetti? That comes out of a box. That is unacceptable. I've heard commenters say that it's a "nostagia" vote. Were you raised in the woods? Where I'm from, a nostagia vote would be this:

Or maybe even this:
But certainly not this:


Also, there is only ONE chocolate entry for Team Cake and it's mother-frakking German Chocolate. What?! This is the nastiest chocolate cake known to man, and I like coconut. The frosting (which, lets face it, is the lynchpin for a cake's deliciousness) looks like it was regurgitated by a mama bird feeding her young. Observe:

They could have picked so many more delicious chocolate confections. Flourless chocolate, Hello? Some form of espresso chocolate ganache thing? Come on! I'd even eat a Costco chocolate sheet cake that someone had dropped in the parking lot before German Chocolate. If they wanted a coconut contender, they needed only to make a trip to the best Dominican restaurant of all time, El Gran Castillo de Jagua in the BK and see this guy (the man!):

for a piece of his coconut cake. He is pictured with the chocolate here, but the coconut is so good, you'll want to slap your mom for not being able to make it.

Team Pie is no cakewalk either (heh. sorry). THERE ARE NO TARTS! I'm actually frightened of Manimal reading this and finding out. He may pull one of these:

Tart is the best kind of pie. It's like the well-to-do cousin of pie. If pie is sporting a mullet and living in a van down by the river, tart is padding around her well appointed Paris apartment.

Whaa..where am I? Oh, I'm sorry, I must have passed out.

Some may say that Lemon Tart is akin to Lemon Meringue Pie and Tart Tatin is repped by Apple Pie. Some people also think Ke$ha is a good singer, it doesn't make it so.

Otherwise, the Pie Conference is looking pretty right. I'd holler at it if it were walking down the street. It's got the Grande Dame, Cheesecake, who can make you consume a weeks worth of dairy with a bat of her Graham-crusted lashes. Pecan Pie is up in there working it with the sweetness of a thousand tons of brown sugar (you can also add bourbon to Pecan Pie without it tasting like an old lady cake, which, to me, raises it to a whole other level of awesome). I'm down with all the vegetable pies; like teaching a little kid bad words or unironically enjoying Phil Collins they're so wrong, but so right.

Anyway, despite some major ideological differences between myself and the Jezebel editors, this conference has already had its share of exciting wins and devastating losses. At this moment, Red Velvet is making a bloody mess of Wedding (yeah! retribution, sucka!) while Key Lime and Blueberry are engaging in a tangy tete-a-tete.

While I'd like to see Pavlova, French Macarons and Brownies join forces and hijack the stadium, I'm calling a Red Velvet vs. Apple Pie grand final with all-American Apple Pie taking it home.


  1. The fix was seriously in for the pie division. Pecan was seeded 8, Rhubarb 11, Peanut Butter at 5. Mississippi Mud didnt even make the cut, which means it was seeded lower than grasshoper pie. Key Lime was seeded higher than Pecan, Rhubrab and Peanut Butter! I can only imagine what sort of clown show the quals must have been. And blueberry beating rhubarb? No Way. Someone paid off the ref.

  2. Clown show is right,my friend.
    Imagine, a pie named after an insect making it into the Sweet Sixteen? Outrageous. Someone on Team Cake was "sweetening" the deal behind the scenes (heh a dirty baked goods pun).

    But, you know, that's no surprise. Cake walks around like it's better than everyone else. I for one am waiting for the day when its frosting is rudely pulled off, exposing it for the cheap, loaf-like creature it really is.

    As for your rhubarb support, I doff my cap to you good sir/madam. A truly underrated competitor.