Saturday, March 13, 2010

Rant: Sneaky Cats

Readers, have you ever had times in your life when serendipitous events collude to make you feel as though the world is trying to tell you something? Some people see Jesus in a Cheeto (Cheesus: the Savory Saviour):

I, however, have been seeing cats acting all shady-like. Cats acting like dogs. Cats acting like people. Cats acting like hats.

It' s beginning to freak me out. Am I like a modern day Joan d'Arc? Put here on Earth to lead a cat army to righteous victory? Or, am I a crazy kook living in her own personal Shutter Island?

I am inclined to think it may be the latter as the situation has been getting worse lately, and also because I don't think cats have the cojones to take on dogs just yet (no offense cats, it just seems like if push came to shove, you wouldn't work as a team. Every one of you I've ever met has been a selfish git, really).

It all started a few months ago, when I was in DC for Thanksgiving. One morning our gracious hosts suggested we take a stroll down to the local market to buy mini biodegradable artichokes or some such nonsense. The Manimal and I gladly followed along in the hopes of scoring some form of pastry.

I was looking at a broccoli that looked like a fractal which was awesome (in the literal definition of the word)

when the Manimal started gesturing animatedly towards something outside. Now, for those of you that don't know, the Manimal is notoriously hard to impress. He is blase about most things, but he does enjoy entertaining me. When he gets this excited about showing me something it's either going to be sickeningly cute:
Or terrifying:
I  braced myself, not knowing what I may be in store for. But, as I got closer, I saw that the Manimal was looking very obviously and intently at whatever it was, the way he does only at scary people on the subway and those with obvious deformities.

I looked down and saw a cat in a sweater walking by.

"Phffft! Ronnie," I hear you say, "a cat in a sweater. Big fricken Deal. I see dogs in boleros and hampsters in silk rompers where I'm from. Get out more!"

Well, I counter by saying this was a cat in a sweater walking alongside its "owner" They were out taking a stroll together like two roommates with nothing better to do. When he turned, the cat lazily followed, perhaps stopping occasionally to check out some fresh Swiss Card or vegan pickles.

I saw this cat wander past dogs who were too freaked out to do anything but stare. It was terrifying.

Cut to about a month ago when I encountered a man in Union Square who was wearing a cat as a hat. The cat would climb him like a tree and then proceed to look down upon us humans in a fashion which I daresay it had been fantasizing about for quite some time.

At least it was leashed. But what does it all mean?

I hope I'm not left standing on a clifftop howling at the wind, "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

Heed my warning people. The cats, they're up to something I tells ya.

*Update: I have been informed that my own sister-in-law has fallen to the cats! Trust no-one. 

Be warned: the cats are on to us. They are trying to block our signals. God help us all.

** Update #2:
A wily commenter tipped me off to the video below. Warning: it is truly terrifying. The world has gone mad! Collect canned goods, arm yourself and proceed directly to your bunkers until further notice.


  1. I actually saw this in San Francisco. unfortunately I was too slow with the camera

  2. Sir/ Madam,

    This is a terrifying video. I feel this is what Nostradamus was referring to when he described how a "creature will be born with two heads
    and four arms: it will survive for some few years" and then bad shit will happen.

    Oh boy.

    Thanks for the tip; I have updated the blog accordingly.